<3...

Alright...so...today was the first day that my heart hurt since Andrew and I broke up. I know that he is going to be able to talk to other girls....but I'm super sad. I just don't like it when my ex's flirt with other people..

I think this hurts especially bad because Andrew and I didn't do anything wrong. We didn't break up because of something that I did, or that he did. It was God's doing..which makes it A LOT better, but still.
I didn't want to break up. I don't want to flirt with anybody else. I don't want to "look" for anybody else. I don't want to date...I just want to be his.

I want a relationship that I can be open in. I want to be able to fart whenever the heck I want to! I want to blow raspberries on my husband's cheeks. I want to have a free spirited relationship. I want him to be a Godly man who ALWAYS puts God first.

ALL OF THESE THINGS...i want.

WANT...what does that even mean? It doesn't mean I can HAVE. But it's not about me...it never was and never will be. It's ONLY about what God wants..and I can say that with ease, but why can't I live it out?!

Why is it SO hard to understand God's will. Probably because it's God's will...not mine. But WHY?!?!?! Sometimes I wonder how people live with their own will in mind..I lived that way for a long time..and it seemed to be great..but it ended up being WRONG!
The only way to live is in God's will.

I need prayer. My heart hurts.

God is so good...He's so good to me

Isn't it crazy how God brings people into your life to keep you grounded? To keep you level headed and sane? I am so blessed to have such amazing girlfriends that talk to me when I'm sad, and sit and listen to me whine and cry about being single. They also help me realize how much the recent events in my life are for the better, and not to destroy me, but to build me up in my relationship with others, and with God.



Tonight was just one of those nights. Whitney and I went to the plaza and ate at UNO chicago grill and then went to the cheesecake factory for desert. Being in her presence made my heart soar. Now i know that sounds lesbianish...but I swear, that is not the case. :) Having nights like I had tonight is what living is all about. Nights like tonight were made for girls. Being able to tell Whitney about my recent breakup and how God is growing me was very much needed.

On our way to leave, two ladies stopped us and asked us if anybody had talked to us about the Lord. I immediately turned around and showed them my very new tattoo that sports the verse Psalm 62:5-8. We sat there and talked to them for a good 20-30 minutes. It was SUCH a God send. I was able to talk to them about how God was changing my heart and changing my mind towards things that I never thought could be changed.

We mostly talked about recent events in my life, but I feel that these women were sent to me and Whitney by God. One of the girls, Sarah, prayed for us on the streets of the plaza. The things that she prayed were exactly what was on my heart.

God is so good, and He sent me those women tonight. It was no accident that they stopped and asked if we knew the Lord. I can confidently say that I DO know the Lord, and that He has prepared an amazing future for me. I am excited to see what God has in store for me...and I'm excited to wait for His timing.

God is so good, He's so good to me.

In my life...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!

God is so good. My life is changing...it's CHANGING!! RIGHT NOW!! I am continuously changing into who God wants me to be.

I never thought that I could possibly be this happy when something so horrible just happened.

BUT...I know that what I wanted, was not what God wanted. And now I am SO excited to see what GOD wants for me. It's no longer about what I want...but what God wants..


You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek..YOU are my all in all. When I fall down You pick me up, when I am dry You fill my cup...YOU are my all in all. Jesus, precious Lamb of God, worthy is Your name.

11.10.2007--07.20.09

Those dates, where quite possibly the best year and a half of my life.
I can't imagine a better time of my life than with Andrew.

Although our relationship is over, I still feel as if it isn't. When you've loved somebody for over a year and a half and then in 30 minutes it's over...you don't just "get over it"

My life has drastically changed today...and I am going to need as much support and comforting as people can give. I haven't ever felt my heart break before..but today...it did. I can't describe how it felt...but I knew with my whole being that it was breaking.

For people wondering why...here it is..
Andrew and I have both gotten farther away from God through our relationship and now it's time to get back with God. Andrew prayed very hard about it last night and felt that God was telling him that we were not meant to be together.
Although I have not had an encounter like this with God as of lately, I trust Andrew enough to trust him when he says that God spoke to him.

I am sad, and will be sad.
I am still very much in love...and will be until who knows when
I am NOT looking for anybody nor will I be
I will cry in front of you...get over it
For any SBU friends reading this...I may just end up in your room crying for no reason...but I want you to love me and hold me

Anyway, I need to sleep
just wanted everybody to know I guess...

Update!!

So, it's been a LONG time since I've updated this blog thinger so here I go!!

I haven't had a lot of stuff to do this summer. I finished up summer school and went straight to St. Louis to see Andrew. While I was there I really got the St. Louis experience ;)

We went to a game at Busch stadium, ate Jack in the Box and Imo's, we went to the zoo...and well, I saw the arch and 6 flags. Then we went to Falls Creek...which is a really awesome camp in Oklahoma.

My birthday was the next weekend...and I turned 19...woot woot! Andrew came down for my birthday and we spent the day eating, sleeping, and spending time together. Erin and Danny were here too...so that was super fun.

I have been working on my online class...which by the way...BLOWS! It's horrible, but I'm getting it done.

In 2 days I'm leaving for Denver, Co to see my family that lives over there. It should be fun :)

Anyway, that's it!
Hope everyone is having a great summer!!