<3...

Alright...so...today was the first day that my heart hurt since Andrew and I broke up. I know that he is going to be able to talk to other girls....but I'm super sad. I just don't like it when my ex's flirt with other people..

I think this hurts especially bad because Andrew and I didn't do anything wrong. We didn't break up because of something that I did, or that he did. It was God's doing..which makes it A LOT better, but still.
I didn't want to break up. I don't want to flirt with anybody else. I don't want to "look" for anybody else. I don't want to date...I just want to be his.

I want a relationship that I can be open in. I want to be able to fart whenever the heck I want to! I want to blow raspberries on my husband's cheeks. I want to have a free spirited relationship. I want him to be a Godly man who ALWAYS puts God first.

ALL OF THESE THINGS...i want.

WANT...what does that even mean? It doesn't mean I can HAVE. But it's not about me...it never was and never will be. It's ONLY about what God wants..and I can say that with ease, but why can't I live it out?!

Why is it SO hard to understand God's will. Probably because it's God's will...not mine. But WHY?!?!?! Sometimes I wonder how people live with their own will in mind..I lived that way for a long time..and it seemed to be great..but it ended up being WRONG!
The only way to live is in God's will.

I need prayer. My heart hurts.